When a relationship comes to an end, it can often lead to pain. For some people the end of a relationship will be experienced solely as a loss and for others, although there is a sense of loss, it will also be coupled with a sense of freedom and that the time had come.
This will of course depend on how the relationship was and if one felt it had come to its natural end or if it had ended too soon.
So, it could be said that the severity of the loss that is experienced will depend on numerous factors and will also vary from person to person. There is not one experience that everyone has and therefore people will respond differently to the loss.
Two Options
One person may not feel too emotional and as a result of this, can carry on with their life. It could be that they are happy being single or that they are open to what life may bring.
And then there can be another person who is in deep pain and decides to grieve the loss. To get involved in another relationship or another person is not their focus. Their main intention is to grieve the loss and to return to a sense of balance once more.
Examples
The two options above are general examples of what two people can do, who have been affected in different ways. The first person could have come out of a relationship that's time had come.
And for the second person, it is likely to have been a relationship that created a lot of pain. This could be pain from the relationship ending and also due to unprocessed pain from past relationships and even childhood wounds.
The Rebound
Although the second option of dealing with ones pain is the ideal thing to do, if one is experiencing a sense of loss and all the pain that that brings, this doesn't always take place.
When this happens, one will often have what is commonly described as a rebound relationship. Or this could be a series of flings or casual encounters. And while this could last for a few weeks or months, it could also last for many, many years.
Here, one will be attracted to people who are not necessary right for them. But what they do offer is an escape from the pain that one is currently experiencing.
It is then not an adult to adult relationship that they are looking for; that involves sharing, relating or personal responsibility. The other person is needed, as a way to regulate one's pain and suffering.
A Quick Fix
However, if one is in a place of pain and is doing all they can to avoid this pain, then what they expect from another person is going to pale in comparison to what they would expect if they were not in pain.
The saying 'Don't go shopping when you're hungry' comes to mind here. Here one is likely to buy all kinds of junk just to fill a whole and the same thing can apply to rebound relationships or encounters.
This approach may well have the potential to offer a quick fix and a momentary escape, but that is often all it can offer. And this is because the pain will not simply go away as a result of one running away from it. It has to be faced and grieved in some way.
Consequences
So while there is a chance that one could end up with someone who is right for them; the chances are that one will end up with someone who is not right for them. The pain may have gone from ones conscious awareness, but it still exists at a deeper level.
And although going with another person can lead to momentary relief and the postponement of pain, the pain is likely to reappear once gain and when it does, it can be even stronger than it was before.
The Ego
The undeveloped ego mind will do all it can to avoid dealing with the loss and grief. And this can cause one to seek wholeness and a sense completion in another person or people. This is of course, an illusion. One can never be completed by another and simply because one is not incomplete to begin with.
Awareness
Loss can be magnified as a result of past losses that have not been grieved and processed. This is why specialised assistance can make a massive difference. A Therapist, healer or coach can all help in providing the right support.
The easy option can be to find someone else to fill the whole and stop the pain. But although this will lead to short term gain, it will also lead to long term pain. To face it will involve short term pain, but it will enable one to experience long term gain.
In order for one to attract a healthy and functional relationship, one has to be healthy and functional themselves. If one is running away from who they are, then it is unlikely that they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with another person.
This will of course depend on how the relationship was and if one felt it had come to its natural end or if it had ended too soon.
So, it could be said that the severity of the loss that is experienced will depend on numerous factors and will also vary from person to person. There is not one experience that everyone has and therefore people will respond differently to the loss.
Two Options
One person may not feel too emotional and as a result of this, can carry on with their life. It could be that they are happy being single or that they are open to what life may bring.
And then there can be another person who is in deep pain and decides to grieve the loss. To get involved in another relationship or another person is not their focus. Their main intention is to grieve the loss and to return to a sense of balance once more.
Examples
The two options above are general examples of what two people can do, who have been affected in different ways. The first person could have come out of a relationship that's time had come.
And for the second person, it is likely to have been a relationship that created a lot of pain. This could be pain from the relationship ending and also due to unprocessed pain from past relationships and even childhood wounds.
The Rebound
Although the second option of dealing with ones pain is the ideal thing to do, if one is experiencing a sense of loss and all the pain that that brings, this doesn't always take place.
When this happens, one will often have what is commonly described as a rebound relationship. Or this could be a series of flings or casual encounters. And while this could last for a few weeks or months, it could also last for many, many years.
Here, one will be attracted to people who are not necessary right for them. But what they do offer is an escape from the pain that one is currently experiencing.
It is then not an adult to adult relationship that they are looking for; that involves sharing, relating or personal responsibility. The other person is needed, as a way to regulate one's pain and suffering.
A Quick Fix
However, if one is in a place of pain and is doing all they can to avoid this pain, then what they expect from another person is going to pale in comparison to what they would expect if they were not in pain.
The saying 'Don't go shopping when you're hungry' comes to mind here. Here one is likely to buy all kinds of junk just to fill a whole and the same thing can apply to rebound relationships or encounters.
This approach may well have the potential to offer a quick fix and a momentary escape, but that is often all it can offer. And this is because the pain will not simply go away as a result of one running away from it. It has to be faced and grieved in some way.
Consequences
So while there is a chance that one could end up with someone who is right for them; the chances are that one will end up with someone who is not right for them. The pain may have gone from ones conscious awareness, but it still exists at a deeper level.
And although going with another person can lead to momentary relief and the postponement of pain, the pain is likely to reappear once gain and when it does, it can be even stronger than it was before.
The Ego
The undeveloped ego mind will do all it can to avoid dealing with the loss and grief. And this can cause one to seek wholeness and a sense completion in another person or people. This is of course, an illusion. One can never be completed by another and simply because one is not incomplete to begin with.
Awareness
Loss can be magnified as a result of past losses that have not been grieved and processed. This is why specialised assistance can make a massive difference. A Therapist, healer or coach can all help in providing the right support.
The easy option can be to find someone else to fill the whole and stop the pain. But although this will lead to short term gain, it will also lead to long term pain. To face it will involve short term pain, but it will enable one to experience long term gain.
In order for one to attract a healthy and functional relationship, one has to be healthy and functional themselves. If one is running away from who they are, then it is unlikely that they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with another person.
My name is Oliver J R Cooper and I have been on a journey of self awareness for over nine years and for many years prior to that I had a natural curiosity.
For over two years, I have been writing articles. These cover psychology and communication. This has also lead to poetry.
For over two years, I have been writing articles. These cover psychology and communication. This has also lead to poetry.
" CINDERELLA, THE ULTIMATE STEPCHILD "
Cinderella might have been our society's earliest awareness of the hardships encountered in a blended family. But, whereas the prince rescues Cinderella and carries her off into the sunset for their happily-ever-after ending, most families don't have that happy ending.
When a divorced parent remarries, it can be hard enough on the children, especially when they keep hoping and praying that their parents will get back together. When there are children from that marriage, whether they are going to live together or just be a blended family who lives in different residences, the adjustment can be traumatic on all sides.
Children often feel that they were the cause of their parent's breakup. If they had tried harder, been good enough, had done more chores, made less demands, complained less, etc., their parents would still be together. And no amount of reassurance that they were not to blame can dismiss that conviction or remove that guilt.
If there were a lot of fights in their house and evidence of severe unhappiness, children often wish their parents would just get a divorce and stop making everyone miserable. However, when children don't see this kind of evidence on a daily basis, they can be blindsided by the divorce and find it difficult to move on.
In many marriages, depending on the level of communication, parents often experience severe unhappiness without the ranting and raving that accompany severely abusive marriages. It is these silent, unhappy relationships that can take children unaware and be so difficult for them to handle.
When children are caught in the middle of an abusive marriage, e.g., being powerless to stop their father from incessant beatings of their mother, or having to contend with an alcoholic parent or a parent who is a drug addict, divorce can be a welcome relief.
But it is the children who are not exposed to this kind of misery and who are oblivious to anything being wrong, who have the most difficulty letting go of their two-parent family. Their security blanket is suddenly pulled out from under them and they flounder for the longest time wondering what they did wrong and what they could have done to prevent this from happening.
Sometimes, a parent has someone else waiting in the wings and just waiting to be free to remarry. When this is revealed, the children can feel betrayed, especially on the part of the other parent.
Remarriage brings with it some unique problems if there are children involved. Depending on the ages of the children, and the type of relationship they have had with their parents, it can become a contest of wills, especially if the new spouse doesn't like them and makes it obvious.
Children are often afraid that their parent will stop loving them so they may become the nightmare from hell. It's not any easier for the stepparent, in that he or she can be vulnerable when it comes to disciplining the other one's children if they haven't set guidelines as to what their parameters are.
Widowed parents who remarry may run into similar behavioral problems from their offspring but for different reasons. Children often feel that the parent hasn't waited long enough to date, let alone, to remarry, no matter how much time has elapsed. A child can feel that a year isn't long enough or even five years isn't long enough.
They may even feel guilty that they are starting to forget what their parent looked like or sounded like and, when the surviving parent starts to date, they may take it as a betrayal of themselves and of their deceased parent. When that parent remarries, they may try to do everything in their power to bring about a divorce.
Widowed parents who try to merge their families, often encounter a different type of resistance than divorced parents in that the children know there is no hope of their parents reconciling because their parent has passed away.
If they were a close-knit family, the children may not be able to forgive their deceased parent for bailing out on them. If they were not close, there may be that sense of dread that history will be repeating itself and they will still be left out in the cold.
Stepchildren and stepparents can either be a blessing or an ordeal to live with. There are some happy stories mixed in with all the horror stories. Children have the ultimate weapon: they can play the guilt card like no one else. Parents often cave in to their demands without thinking about the consequences and may end up giving their children too many material goods to make up for the supposed neglect a second marriage may have caused.
No one likes to be the bad guy but someone has to raise the children in a responsible way so that they grow into the kind of adults who become the moral compass of their families and their community. And that won't be possible unless one of them has the courage to be accountable for their children's development.
When a divorced parent remarries, it can be hard enough on the children, especially when they keep hoping and praying that their parents will get back together. When there are children from that marriage, whether they are going to live together or just be a blended family who lives in different residences, the adjustment can be traumatic on all sides.
Children often feel that they were the cause of their parent's breakup. If they had tried harder, been good enough, had done more chores, made less demands, complained less, etc., their parents would still be together. And no amount of reassurance that they were not to blame can dismiss that conviction or remove that guilt.
If there were a lot of fights in their house and evidence of severe unhappiness, children often wish their parents would just get a divorce and stop making everyone miserable. However, when children don't see this kind of evidence on a daily basis, they can be blindsided by the divorce and find it difficult to move on.
In many marriages, depending on the level of communication, parents often experience severe unhappiness without the ranting and raving that accompany severely abusive marriages. It is these silent, unhappy relationships that can take children unaware and be so difficult for them to handle.
When children are caught in the middle of an abusive marriage, e.g., being powerless to stop their father from incessant beatings of their mother, or having to contend with an alcoholic parent or a parent who is a drug addict, divorce can be a welcome relief.
But it is the children who are not exposed to this kind of misery and who are oblivious to anything being wrong, who have the most difficulty letting go of their two-parent family. Their security blanket is suddenly pulled out from under them and they flounder for the longest time wondering what they did wrong and what they could have done to prevent this from happening.
Sometimes, a parent has someone else waiting in the wings and just waiting to be free to remarry. When this is revealed, the children can feel betrayed, especially on the part of the other parent.
Remarriage brings with it some unique problems if there are children involved. Depending on the ages of the children, and the type of relationship they have had with their parents, it can become a contest of wills, especially if the new spouse doesn't like them and makes it obvious.
Children are often afraid that their parent will stop loving them so they may become the nightmare from hell. It's not any easier for the stepparent, in that he or she can be vulnerable when it comes to disciplining the other one's children if they haven't set guidelines as to what their parameters are.
Widowed parents who remarry may run into similar behavioral problems from their offspring but for different reasons. Children often feel that the parent hasn't waited long enough to date, let alone, to remarry, no matter how much time has elapsed. A child can feel that a year isn't long enough or even five years isn't long enough.
They may even feel guilty that they are starting to forget what their parent looked like or sounded like and, when the surviving parent starts to date, they may take it as a betrayal of themselves and of their deceased parent. When that parent remarries, they may try to do everything in their power to bring about a divorce.
Widowed parents who try to merge their families, often encounter a different type of resistance than divorced parents in that the children know there is no hope of their parents reconciling because their parent has passed away.
If they were a close-knit family, the children may not be able to forgive their deceased parent for bailing out on them. If they were not close, there may be that sense of dread that history will be repeating itself and they will still be left out in the cold.
Stepchildren and stepparents can either be a blessing or an ordeal to live with. There are some happy stories mixed in with all the horror stories. Children have the ultimate weapon: they can play the guilt card like no one else. Parents often cave in to their demands without thinking about the consequences and may end up giving their children too many material goods to make up for the supposed neglect a second marriage may have caused.
No one likes to be the bad guy but someone has to raise the children in a responsible way so that they grow into the kind of adults who become the moral compass of their families and their community. And that won't be possible unless one of them has the courage to be accountable for their children's development.
by Connie H. Deutsch
Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver. She is known throughout the world for helping clients find workable solutions to complex problems.
Connie has hosted her own weekly radio show, been a weekly guest on a morning radio show, done guest spots on radio shows around the country, and appeared as a guest on a cable television show. Connie wrote a weekly newspaper Advice Column for sixteen years and has been invited to speak at local colleges and given lectures around the country. She also wrote the scripts for a weekly financial show on cable television.
Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver. She is known throughout the world for helping clients find workable solutions to complex problems.
Connie has hosted her own weekly radio show, been a weekly guest on a morning radio show, done guest spots on radio shows around the country, and appeared as a guest on a cable television show. Connie wrote a weekly newspaper Advice Column for sixteen years and has been invited to speak at local colleges and given lectures around the country. She also wrote the scripts for a weekly financial show on cable television.
